Sorry seems to be the hardest word -Elton John-

It's hard to believe that there's such a thing as being too proud... if you think about it, it's weird that being proud can be a bad thing, what could be wrong about feeling good about yourself or what you do?

The truth is that I am too proud, but not because Ilike myself or what I do too mcuh.. the truth is that being too proud is taking pride to a whole other level, when you just can't admit (to yourself or to others) that you were mistaken, that you did something wrong or that you made a mistake..

This sort of things happen to me often, this is why, one of my biggest fears is to be wrong, to make a mistake, even if it those who hear me would have made the same mistake...

It also happens that I just can addmit that I was wrong, or that I acted out of place or unfairly (it's not always that this happens, but it does happen often) this is why sometimes it's very hard for me to apologyze

This whole thing came to my mind minutes ago, (when I was about to write a post god knows about what just because I felt that it had been too long since my last post) what happened was that my sister told me that I left a door unlocked and the dogs got in and chew a few stuffs, first of all I couldn't admit that it was infact me who left the door unlocked, and then when she got mad at me for answering rudely I didn not only not apologyze, but I also kept arguing with her knowing she was rigth...

It's not that I hate being proud, in a way I like it, but I just hate when it comes to the point that I can't apologyze.. At least I'm not to prud to admit that I'm to proud..

once again, merci!

Don't look back in anger -oasis-

Bonjour mes amis!! I realise that the post is waaaay too long, and that's why I devided it in as many moments as I could, so you don't have to read it all at once...

In all my life I've never been to a surprise party, and this weekend I got to participate in two fo them.. And it's not fair that I don't get to write about something so simple, happy and unimportant as that, because I'm mad, and I "need" to write about that!! (why can't I have just one silly shallow post?). The one I had yestarday was for a very close friend, whose 18th birthday was a month ago but since she didn't celebrate we decided to throw her a party/meeting (and 18th birthday it's very important)

1st moment:

Unfotunatly my sister happens to be her friend too, ever since they threw a party for the jonasbrothers-fans in my school (and of course since they both like that stupid band-wannabe thay became friends there) I don't really mind that they're friends I just don't like going to partys with her because she's a pain in the ass. At first she didn't even wanted to go just because she didn't wanna be with me. And I pointed out that that was really unfair to our friend (although I would have been happier if she stayed home). In the end my mother convinced/forced her to go so she did.

In the party she kept bothering me by giving me the camera and asking me to take pictures, and then taking it away and then bringing it back, and while I had it she kept constantly asking if i was taking pictures (I took a few but I wasn't about to spend the whole party as a photografer) And by the end of the party when only a few people was left she started bothering me with wanting to leave, and if it had been up to me i would have stayed a little longer, but she talked to my mother who started texting ME about how WE(?) weren't leting her sleep and that we should try to find an hour to leave that was good for both of us (1st of all it's not like if I knew at what hour I would want to leave and 2nd there is NO negotiating when it comes to my sister, and she knows that). So i just let her win, and I started calling cabs, but I wasn't able to get any, so I told her to try herself, Somehow she got one rigth away by calling the same companies I called, so she came to me and said "was that so hard to do?" I just held all the multiple things I wanted to yell at her. It was HER the one who wanted to leave and I tryed getting one for a long time, and she didn't even thank me..

2nd moment

When we got home I just had a glass of water and headed straigth to my room without saying a word to her. (Ididn't mention before that my little cussin was sleeping over at our house and had to sleep with my brother where there is no other bed or matress than his).So when I get to my room my matress was gone and my room was a mess. My brother happened to be awake and he told me that they sent me a text message (that I didn't recieve) telling me about that, TELLING ME, not asking for my permision but telling me, and he didn't ever made sure that I got the massage (I mean there must have been a reason for me not to reply!). So I asked him wht was I supoused to do, and it turns out that the idea was for me to sleep in my sister's room with her (yeah right!). Unfortunatly my cousin was sleeping so I didn't get the chance to get into the whole thing. "I decided" (I didn't actually have much other choice) to sleep in my bunker bed , wich is not bad, but I have the right to sleep in my bed when I want to. So I tried to fall asleep and decided to talk about it in the morning.

3rd moment

I woke up and had my breakfst without talking to anybody. When my brother woke up we started arguing about how he has no right to touch my stuff without my permission and about how he could have sent my coussin to my sister's bunker bed and have her sleep there, or how he could have taken the matress from the bunker bed, and how he should have asked for my permission before geting into my room, making a mess in there and stealing my matress! And I pointed out that it was a total lack of respect for me and my room! But aperently he had the rigth to do whatever he wanted because he had to take care of my cousin in my dog and my sister's dog (the dogs sleep inside with us so he had to sleep with them), I don't get what he's complaining about! I'm the one who always takes care of her, even if my brother and sisters are home too. And not only does he never take care of her but he complains because he has to take care of her when noone else is in the house! And then our fathers join the discussion and the topic of me and my sister last night comes up, and I start yelling about how they have no respect for my stuff! How my brother does whatever he wants in my room, hoe my sister doesn't understend that this are MY friends and I should be able to leave the party whenever I want and I she should deal with it... And my father starts telling everybody that there's no point on talking to me at the moment because I was being unreasonable.. I mean yes I was yelling but I was being totally reasonable!

4th moment

So a little while later I just go away and my father starts following me arguing with me and I eventually start yelling again and he wants me to shut up, I have the rigth to be mad!! and I have the rigth to let it out!! in fact I SHOULD let it out! But all he cares about is the fact that my sister (not the one from the party) was in the next room with her boyfriend, and it was embarassing... But I kept yelling so my father got out of controll and started chasing me arround the kitchen and my sister came in to complain about the noise. Finally my father caugth up to me and I saw that he was totally out of control trying to restrain himself not to hit me and my sister comes to me and holds me trying to defend me until he finally lets go of me. And I start crying and tell him that it's not fair that he doesn't let me talk and be mad... So I leave once again, this time to my room, but once again he follows, and he tryes to talk to me and I keep telling him to leave and my mother tells him the same thing and this went on for about 10-15 minutes untill he finally left.. 
And after a while of weeping in my room I decided to go to the backyard with the dogs. And after a while of peace he comes again and tries to talk to me but I keep insisting that I do not want to talk to him but he keeps trying and for some reason I get closer to the door but I do not leave, but Ikeep telling him not ton bother me and I raise my voice, so he tells me not to yell because it's an embaresment in front of the neighboors and I tell him that that should be the least important thing to him rigth now, but he tells me that to him it's the most important, so I decided not to listen to his shit anymore and leave..

Conclussion

It just makes me so mad!! is it too much to ask for a little respect for my room? is it too much to ask to go to my friend's birthay without anyone bothering me? Don't I have the rigth to be angry? And don't I deserve to let that anger out?

How do I end up being the bad guy here? I don't understand why my mother complained to me when it was my sister who woke her. I don't get why doesn't my brother agree that it was wrong for him to mess up my room without even asking, and I don't get why my mother defends him! And I don't undestand why my father won't let me be angry!and why does he care more about what the neighboors think (specially since they are just a bunch of idiots) than the fact that I'm mad and that I have the rigth to be, and that it's not good to keep the anger inside of me! So in the end I'm mad at my whole family (except my biger sister who is always the first to step up whenever my father looses it) and they probably think I'm the one who should apologize... (Well, maybe I should apologize for messing up my brother's room just out of anger, but that's it! but since he didn't apologize for what he did I won't apologize either!specially since my mother had me fix that...)

Merci for reading!! No, really if you took time out of your life to read this hole thing, then I'm really thankfull!

PS: -the bird bites-(yes I'm gonna write that in every PS) I didn't choose the title of this post becasue it related to the post, but because in moment 4 when I was in my room and on the backyar this song just kept playing in my head(I don't know why). But I guess it kind of relates just a bit to the post (specially in the anger part)

Simplement jaloux -beau dommage-

Bonjour mes amis...

She had to have a boyfriend... she had to be good friends with her boyfriend... Her boyfriend HAD to be a part of her group of frinds, didn't he?..... I HAD to like that group of friends, rigth?

I know this still sounds weird but here's the thing: A few months ago I met this gir to whom I was instantly attracted. I added her on facebook and we got together a few times (us and other people) and the attraction grew stronger when I saw all the things we have in common. But of course: she has a boyfriend! so I started disliking this guy, partly because of the fact that he was her boyfriend and partly because of other reasons (which are most likely consequence of him being her bf). So of course I have no real reason for disliking him (in fact we seem to be the same kind of people)

So... Recently I got to see them in their group of friends in their natural status.. And I hated that I liked the dynamic the group had (it's not all that diferent than the dynamic me and my friends have). I hate the fact that It was fun watching them be... I hate the fact that I liked that group that much specially since for me to get what I want that group would have to be dissolved, which means that deep down I want that group to brake (because deep down I want them two break-up) just so that I can get what I want.

So I'm truly jealous of that guy, and the worst part is that even if I get what I want I still would be jealous of what they had, because they are not just bf and gf thay are friends, good ones, I mean... and even if I get to be with her it still would be a bitter sweet because my happines was based on the dissolution of her friend group (which I really like) and there would also be the fact that her friends are his friends, so I would be in an akward place...

Merci..

P.S: -the bird bites- Yes, I realise that just because of the fact that they break up it doesn't mean that they have to stop being friends, but I believe it would take them a long time to be as good friends as they were, and if they keep being friends my place would just get more akward.

I'm tired -the beatles-

Bonjour mes amis...

I feel betrayed... I feel, I'm tired of being invisible to my own friends (Franco, Lupi, and Matteo.. And a little bit Fede, but with him I'm not all that close, so) I'm tired of the fact that they go out dancing and go on trips together and always leave ME behind!(not that I like to go dancing, in fact I hate it but I like being with my friends)

I've had enough. And in the end it's always the same, they just don't realize I'm mad, and eventually I end up forgiving them without receiveing a freaking apollogy!But I'm not about to do that this time, I'm gona leave it very clear that I'm mad and they won't get away with just a lame "I'm sorry", they'r gona have to do better than that!

It's not fair! I never forget about any of them! I'm always thinking and checking just so that I never leave anyone behind! I go out dancing with them (if I ever get the chance) just because THEY like it!I actually feel like I care more about them than they do about me, and that's just not fair!

I mean it's bad enough that they don't tell me that they are going to a club or going on a trip, but this time it was too much.. What happened was that we were forming our groups to share rooms in the trip we're taking to Italy at the end of the year, and this is a trip I looked forward to all my life, ever since I go to this school , and I always imagined sharing rooms with them, but we never actually talked about it. So we were forming the groups and somehow I was about to end up sharing rooms with them, which made me very happy, but somehow in the blink of an eye they end up forming a group with other people leaving me behind to find my own group!(luckyly I ended up in a group with my childhood friends, but I didn't wanna share rooms with my childhood friends I wanted to share rooms with my current friends!) and I know it's not that big a deal but it's the fact that they keep ignoring me and I just let them do it, but not anymore!

I'm just sick, it's always the same it's always me who they forget about! And I'm always very insecure about wether my friends are actually true to me, but who can blame me when they keep pulling things like this! I mean I don't know what would I do if I didn't have my two best friends who never leave me behind and who are always there to listen to me complaining . This proves that girls are better friends than guys.

Merci...

Some might say -oasis-

So what if I'm weird?? So what if I like to dress up as a super hero and go to conventions with other people who like to do so?

I mean who are people to judge?? specialy a masculine, bisexual, hermafrodit girl! (I'm not actually that homofobic (or whatever the hell that's called) but I'm just mad at that "girl", in fact she isn't really bisexual (that I know of) but she might as well be), don't get me wrong it's not all that bad that she pointed that out, at least I don't have to keep pretending I like her anymore.

I'm just tired of people making me feel like an idiot for who I am! I know I'm weird but what's wrong with that? in fact I think it's a good thing, being weird means being diferent, original, and there's nothing wrong with that!

It's not that I really care about what they think it's just tiresome that people keep pointing out how diferent I am as if it was something bad..

After all it's like my friend "B" says: "Who wants to be conventional anyway?"

(I'm not in the mood for thanking today..)

Straigth from the heart -bryan adams-

Bonjour mes amis!!!

Lately I've beeen feeling kind of unsensitive. The truth is I always considered myself a very sensitive guy, I still believe that I'm so, but it bothers me that I feel incapable of taking that to the outside. It has also been bodering me the fact that I feel extremely akward showing my feelings to most people, even if it is something Ilike doing and I wish Icould do it as much as I would like, and without feeling uncomfortable.

You may be wondering where the hell all this comes from. The fact is that our school psicologyst organized a "sleep over" for our generation, the idea was to get to know who we really are, to be able to answer that question without just saying our names (I believe I've always been able to, but I wanted to know how my friends saw themselves and how they saw me, so I signed up anyway). So, in a part of the whole defining ourself prosess we had to tell our friends how WE saw THEM, and it was great because I did get to tell all my friends what I thougth of them. But somewhere along the way people started crying while they talked to their friends or heard what their friends told them.At one point everyone was crying except for me and 3 girls who r as deep as a puddle so it was no comfort at all of the fact that I felt extremely unsensitive ( I mean I know u don't need to cry to feel something but I actually felt that everyone was way more moved than me) I mean I did get a little bit close to crying once, after saying something very emotive to Maca, that shoul've actually made me cry very very very much .. And even if I got to tell one of my friends (Lupi) how much he means to me (which is a huge step for me because I only tell that to my 2 best friends on their birthday letter) and we even hugged, whenever I relive that moment I find kind of a little bit of shame but towards me, and I know that there's nothing shamefull about what I did, but I can't help feeling this way (don't get me wrong I do not regret it at all). Of course I really liked that "sleep over" it was a good expereience and it was very healthy, and I like even those moments that made me feel akward,(I even got to tell everyone what my wishes and fears were (which included turning into my dad as a fear, which is really big of me being able to admit that specially before a lot of people who don't even know how I feel about my dad)).

So, even if I am happy I got to open up in front of my friends I just can't help feeling bad about the akwardness that I feel about hugging my friend and telling him how much he means to me, and I can't help feeling bad about not crying, even if I DO understand that there's absolutely noreason for me to feel this way, and I just hate it!!

merci! for readig, once again....

I just don't understand -the beatles-

Bonjour mes amis!

So... I have this friend(Mati) with whom I had a little figth about a month ago.. (I mentioned him on "Pilot") It isn't the first time this happens, it happened a few times before .. Every now and then in a random week he does something (in the middle of the week) that pisses me of (it's not the same thing always of course) and I get mad and on the weekend he sends apollogetical messages and i forgive him and it goes backas if nothing happened.

But this time it's diferent.. I made a little joke (the kind of jokes that we and my friends make to each other) and he really overeacted and got extremely mad and wrote some not-very-nice things about my sister in my philosophy notes [i mean it's one thing when they joke about it because let's face it it's normal between guys (i personally don't see the fun in it) but it's another when he does it seriously and out of anger].. this time he crossed the line... i got angyer than usual.. in part beacause of the fact that it's not the first time he's a jerk to me and the fact that he always sends those stupid messages like if it made it ok for him to be an idiot (which i pointed out in the middle of the figth).

After a month he send no stupid messages (it's probably because he is to proud and since i pointed it out he is not gonna let me be rigth) in fact after a 2 week vacation i came back to school decided to let everything go even tough he never apologysed because it makes no sense to argue over it... But when i try to make it obvious that i forgave him by talking to him when we are making a group job he either doesn-t reply directly to me or doesn-t reply at all.. i mean is HE now mad at ME?WTF?! and then he sends a message to my best friend about changing the time of our class project meeting and he says (and i quote) "..tell the OTHER ONE(meaning me)" he actually wrote other one in capital letters .. what the hell is that? i mean grow up! stop trying to make it obvious that u r mad! and i see no reason for him to be mad.. my best friend said that she was going to talk to him about it and then tell me what he said.. but untill then i dont get it...

T.Y. again if u read!and even more if u post! ;)

Father & Son -cat stevens-

Bonjour mes amis! 


Truth to be told, i'm not what people call "normal" i've never been. I've never been into sports (even tought i did play soccer until i was 14), i've always hated what is consider popular (at times because of the fact that is pouplar) i've always been into anime, i always liked marvel and dc more than normal, even tough i never was what you can call a fan. 


Obiously beeng like this i eventually got used to some people thinking i'm weird or not understanding me and thats ok with me. But my father isn't as "peculiar" as i am, he played lots of sports back in school and high school, and he still likes watching soccer etc.. Of course that under these circumstances there is not much that we can have in common, in fact we differ in many other aspects.
This and the fact that my father worked late all his life ended up in us not having what can be called the best of relationships, don't get me wrong when i was a kid we did joke arround and sometimes i played soccer with him in fact we once traveled alone together to new york when i was 12 and we had a great time.


But the fact is that most of our relationship consisted of him trying to push me into sports, which was tiresome..
Things where JUST fine between us until a cuple of years ago when my whole family had our biggest discusion ever which was basicly concluded in the fact that the only thing that my father didn't see as perfect in his life was my and my sibilings, specially my brother and i,because we aren't keen of sports and we are geeks wich basically destoyed wathever relationship we had...Of course, he did apologize the day after,but even if i do forgive him, theres still (and there probably always wiil be) something stuck inside of me that won't let me get along as well as i could with him. Because i can deal with other people thinking that i'm weird (i don't even care about that) but to hear my own father say that was just too much...It came to a point where i actually liked it better when he was out working or playing tennis than when he was home with us.. 


Years later i was informed that he was thinking about moving out of the house, because he felt unhappy living with my mother, and because he actually thought that our relationship whith him copuld actually improve with him leaving somewhere else, i honestly belive that there's no reason for him not being able to be happy with my mother, and when we talked about the subject he couldn't really justify why he was leaving, and he kept changing the reasons from discusion to discusion.Of course this didn't but worsen our relationship..


A few months later my sister and I come to dicover that he had another woman, (which my mother already knew about).


 A few weeks after that i come to find out that he was moving back in (after leaving the other woman of course). I wasn't very happy about this, in fact i liked it better with him living somewhere else..and i did get along with him better, not for the reasons HE thougt, but because not seeing him for days med it easy for me to stand his company (which isn't an improvement in the relationship).
A few week after he came back he decided to talk with me and my brother and he told us that we were one of the main reasons that he camed back for, because he wanted to try fixing our relationship,among other things that i didn't quite agree with. 


But in the end it ended up making me feel much better about him and it actually did help our relationship (it's still not the best thing ever but it's ok..)..


So at this point i guess you could say that the relationship between my and my father is better than it's ever been (except for when i was a kid which doesn't really count), and as good as it's gona get.. :) 


Again, to those who readi it MERCI!(i realise it's too long but i can't help gettin carried away :P)specially if you post!:)

(probably) All in the mind -oasis-

Bonjour mes amis!!

I'll start this post (since it's my first) by explaining that I created this blog because I felt the need of taking a few things out of my chest that even if I talk about them with my best friends or my brother at times, I always omit something (sometimes I understate the feelings that I have over certain situations for example), and since I saw that a recently "obtained" friend had a blog, and used it for this purpose (among others) i thought: "why not?

Well, i'm not in what u could call the best time of my life (this sounds way worse than it actually is).. for starters my father decided to come back home (i know this is usually a good news, but for reasons i'm not gona explain now for me this isn't the case). I don't know it may be the fact that I still don't see any reasons at all (good or bad) for him leaving in the first place. It may be because I was promised a few explenations on the subject that I never got. It can also be because of the fact that no one ever told me that he was moving back in (of course i was told about the possibility of this happening but never as a fact) I didn't find out untill my mother asked me for help moving his stuff back in, don't I decerve a little warning at the very least?And of course that the call I answered 5 minutes ago , where I found out that the maid my father had in his apartment is going to come work at my house, is of no help, I mean I understand that this isn't all that bad and the woman ghas no fault of anything but I will always (unconciously) relate her to my father moving out of the house, and I believe I have the rigth to know if anyone is going to work in my house (because it's not that my parents told me it's just that i happend to answer a call from the woman asking how to get to my house)

And of course there's the typical liking a girl who happens to have a boyfriend. And it's not just that I like her is that I think she is so rigth for me it's like she is a lot like me specially in those areas that not many people I know are which (what other people consider weird of me) makes her even more special, I feel that she is like a version of me taken to the extreme.

There's also the fact that i'm not talking to the only person in my class i could really consider a FRIEND (Mati) with capital everything don't get me wrong, it's not that i am antisocial(sure i'm not the most outgoing guy ever), in fact i get allong well with everyone else in my class, it's just that all my friends happen to be in diferent classes.The truth is that he happens to be a jerk often but what's really bothering me is the fact that he usually apologizes the weekwnd after we figth, but this time he didn't. The worse part was that he is acting ofended when HE was the one who ofended me!

Well, that's all I can't think of rigth now.. but i always tend to forget somethin (i'm very destracted :P)

MERCI!to those who read it and specially those who post!:), and well even if noone reads it, it's still a good way of letting things out of my sistem ;)