FUCK!!

Once again I'm a complete and utter failure...
The one exam I had to taker, the only one, and I go and fail??
I know I know, it's college, it's different, it's harder, failing exams is normal.. But it's not ok when you have only ONE exam to take, and when it's your strongest subject.. And it certainly doesn't feel good when you thought there was hardly a chance o fail.. I mean, when I was studying I was extremely confident, and after taking the exam I was even more confident, other than that one question I didn't answer I thought I had done great, I actually thought I may have done a lot batter than barely saving.. turns out I barely saved.. It was very very close, but it wasn't enough... So there's the disapointment of realising I'm even worse than the bad I was just realizing I was, the disapointment of thinking I was doing good in at least ONE subject, the having tyo face the fact, that the feeling that used to mean I was very good at something, now it only means that I'm not extremely bad, and last and most certainly least, the disapointment of realizing that the one good thing that I had gotten out of failing the other two subjects, (which was an entire month of vacations) doesn't exist anymore, since my vacations have now been interrupted by my failure, and now I have to take the fucking exam again next week (I'm also very angry at the university for the fact that it took them 2 weeks to give us the fucking grades, and they tell us only a week before the next exam, isn't that just great??.. I guess re-starting my driving lessons is going to have to wait... I don't really care about that.. )

Stupid Name

Ok, why on earth did I name this blog murderer orange AFTER the post named murderer orange?? I though about it a few weeks ago, and I decided it was time to "do something" about it...I mean, it had nothing to do with that, I mean, it's been murderer-orange.blogspot.com every since I made it, but I was stupid enough to give the name another meaning when I wrote Murderer Orange (the post) I think the really stupid thing was calling her murderer orange, 1st of all  it's a stupistupidstupid "code"-name for a person (seryosuly what was I thinking??), 2nd of all it gives the blog's URL a different meanig, which I want to clariffy (in case anyone intepreted it that way) it does not have..That was the real mistake, but after making the mistake, it was an equally bad mistake naming the blog that name..

Anyway, bringin this post-taht-no-one-cares-about, to an end, I guess I'm going back to being untitled.. I really hate this name now, even no name at all is better than this..

Je suis untitled

I've Got Nothing

What do you do, when you find out that you're not exactly how you thought you were??  How would you feel, if you realized that "all your life" you''d been thinking that you were a bit better than you actually are?? If you realized that what you considered one of your best qualities, really wasn't one?? If you realized  that one of the things you always thought yourself best at, you're actually just regular at.. or worse..

I always thought myself a smart one, a remarkably smart guy.. I'm not saying I though I was a genius or anything like it, but I always thougth that I was just a tiny bit smarter than the avarage smart..

I'm not saying that all of the sudden I'm stupid or anything like that, but  I realized that in that department I thougth too much of myself...

It sucks it sucks it sucks.. I've let myself down.. It feels like letting somone else down only worse, because you experience both sides of the shittiness, the being dissapointed by somone, and the feeling like a disapointment 'cause somone else had bigger expectations that they should have..

Long story short, I didn't do as well as I expected in college, and I know all you older-than.me people will just start saying, "but that's normal", "it's a big step from high school to college", save it, I've had my fair share of those so there's nothing to be gained by saying it.. You know, I can recognize that at first I didn't study as much as hard as I should've, but once I realized that, and that I was heading for grades that wouldn't give me the right to take the exam (which means that I have to re-take the class) I started studying harder, trying to make up for my bad first half semester, I recognize, that I started kinda late, but the time I dedicated, and with the brains I thought I had it should have been enough not for a great grade, not even a good grade, but a grade high enough to let me take the exam (that would've been 4 over 12)..

Ok.. off with the anecdotal, the point is I feel like a failure, I'm just worse than I thought in what I thought myself best, and in one of the things that matter to me the most to me... I know it's no tragedy, and I'm dealing with it (I've know about this for about a week now, and I've had this post in the inkwell since then).. It wasn't bad enough to make me cry, but I got me a tiny bit close..

I'm a failure to myself.. And you know what?? I'm actually kind of ashamed about this, I know I shouldn't be, but, I can't help it.. I find myself wondering what my smarter classmates/friends think of me, and when my brother's friend (who's also studying engineering) sent me a facebook message to offer me some of her material (she's part of the X-men -my group of friends, not the mutants :P-, so she's a pseudo-friend of mine), I found myslef again wondering the same thing (she's quite smart and does very good in college).. I also wonder if my brother still thinks I'm smarter than him.. I myself was never convinced of that, but he seemed pretty sure.. maybe he finally realized he's wrong

Also, for the first time ever I find myself comparing myself to my older brother.. he was never great with studies, he IS smart, (and from what I can tell from this, smarter than me), but he's also lazy.. I used to get better gardes than him, just because (even though I didn't study that much myself) I studied more than him, and I absolutelly didn't care, I didn't think myself better for that or anything.. But now, studying more than he does (obvioulsy still not enough..) I do not only get worse grades, but I fall behind.. He hasn't fallen behind at all... I know I shouldn't compare myself to him, and I shouldn't care if he's better (I wouldn't if I hadn't fallen behind) but I can't help it.. and it makes me feel worse..

When I told my father about feeling less smart than I used to think I was, he said "Well, that's ok.. some people don't have that much talent (in this case talent is brains), but they have willpower.. Think of your sister (my older sister) she's not EXTREMELY talented, she just works very hard" It's true, my sister has a LOT of willpower, she always tryed hard and succeeded that way, she was always the one who did best in school (from home, and from her class), and it was not only that she was smart (she IS smart) but it was that she complemented her natural talent whith hard work.. (She also has a LOT of talent, specially in what she's studying, but still, I think willpower is her best quality).. My brother has a LOT of talent (again, meaning brains) and extremely little willpower..  But what do I have? My father's right some people have talent, some people willpower, some people don't have either one.. I'm the last kind.. sure I have more willpower than my brother (it's still don't have much) and maybe I'm smarter than my sister (I'm not sure anymore, a week ago I would've said that I definiteky was), but I don't have enough of them to even make a good combination.. And it's not like there's something I'm better at than thinking.. So.. What DO I have??


Je n'ai rien..

My Room (aka: post that no one cares about)

Primero que nada, se que no cumpli con mi "un post por dia hasta el cumple de mi blog" los dos ultimos dias ya no cumpli, y cuando me di cuenta decidi no perder mas tiempo en el post hasta terminar con los parciales,  tambien decid no abandonar mi blog todavia, como habia dicho que iba a hacer en el cumple de mi blog..

Bueno, ahora al post que no es de interes de nadie ^^

A ver, yo diria que es mejor empezar con un poco de "historia"..

Tuve 2 cuartos en mivida, el primero era azul lo compartia con mi hermano (¬¬) y (como la mayoria de los cuartos) no tenia un tema en particular..

A mis 7-8 años nos mudamos a una casa mas grande en la misma calle a unas 3 cuadras de la anterior..
En esta casa, tenemos cada uno su propio cuarto, el mi y el de mi hermana menor son minimamente menores que los de mis hermanos mayores..

Mi cuarto tiene un balcon que da al frente de la casa, que a pesar de que: no lo uso nunca, hace que mi cuarto sea un freezer, y (junto con la mala ubicacion de la puerta de mi closet) hacen que mi cuarto tenga muy poco espacio de pared utilizable  lo amo ^^.. Y es simplemente por que amo tener ese ventanal dando al barrio,no es enorme, pero igual su tamaño es mas que suficiente para conformarme y hacer que prefiera mi cuarto antes que el de nadie mas a pesar del frio (y mira que hace mucho frio en mi cuarto, y te lo digo yo que nunca tengo frio) y la carencia de espacio (no es que haya poco espacio, es un cuarto bastante grande, solo que mis cosas ocupan demasiado)

En cuanto al tema del frio y el espacio, se han buscado soluciones para ambas, se han instalado mas tuberias de calefaccion en mi cuarto, pero nada.. hoy en dia lo que tengo es un radiador en mi ropero (quees aun peor que mi cuarto, y teniendo en cuanta que es ahi donde me cambio es mas importante que haga calor ahi) y un calientacamas (que me he dado cuenta que en verdad no ayuda xq yo en la cama no tenia frio, el problema es afuera, pero igual me gusta mucho ^^).. en cuanto al tamaño, no era un problema taan grande antes, asi que lo unico que se hizo fue cosneguirme (y a mi hermana tambien) una "hiddenbed" que basicamente lo que hace es permitirte tener la cama y el escritorio en el mismo espacio, te ocupa el largo de una cama, pero un poco mas de ancho, decidieron comprarnos lo que se llama "double decker" porque nosotros todavia llevabamos gebnte a dormir a casa (mi hna obviamente todavia lo ahce yo no tanto) y ese era el unico modelo que te daba espacio para dos personas..

Cuando recien nos habiamos mudado mi cuarto era rojo y tenia (asi como el de mi hna menor) un tema.. Mickey.. era una habitacion sobrecargada de cuadritos alfombras y sobre todo peluches de Mickey los cuales hoy en dia se encuentran casi todos en el escritorio (donde me encuentro ahora),  mantengo si los caluclos no me fallan "5" cosas relacionadas a mickey en mi cuarto: el peluche de Mickey mago (o sea mi favorito en la infancia y mi mayor compra en mi primer viaje a disney) un pelcuhe que es posterior al cuarto de mickey: mickey jedi ^^, mi telefono de mickey (regalo de mi madrina de hace años, que amo) una bola de nieve con un mickey jazzista que mis padres me trajeron de chicago, y una mini coleccion de 8 muñecos y un portaretratos de mickey-star wars (tambien posterior al cuarto mickey)..

To be continued... (CHA-CHA-CHANNNNNNN)
(el tema que me llevo a este post, es el tema actual de mi cuarto, pero si me meto en eso como quiero, va a quedar demasiado largo y muy salido de tema en este post..)


J'aime ma chambre