What do you do, when you find out that you're not exactly how you thought you were?? How would you feel, if you realized that "all your life" you''d been thinking that you were a bit better than you actually are?? If you realized that what you considered one of your best qualities, really wasn't one?? If you realized that one of the things you always thought yourself best at, you're actually just regular at.. or worse..
I always thought myself a smart one, a remarkably smart guy.. I'm not saying I though I was a genius or anything like it, but I always thougth that I was just a tiny bit smarter than the avarage smart..
I'm not saying that all of the sudden I'm stupid or anything like that, but I realized that in that department I thougth too much of myself...
It sucks it sucks it sucks.. I've let myself down.. It feels like letting somone else down only worse, because you experience both sides of the shittiness, the being dissapointed by somone, and the feeling like a disapointment 'cause somone else had bigger expectations that they should have..
Long story short, I didn't do as well as I expected in college, and I know all you older-than.me people will just start saying, "but that's normal", "it's a big step from high school to college", save it, I've had my fair share of those so there's nothing to be gained by saying it.. You know, I can recognize that at first I didn't study as much as hard as I should've, but once I realized that, and that I was heading for grades that wouldn't give me the right to take the exam (which means that I have to re-take the class) I started studying harder, trying to make up for my bad first half semester, I recognize, that I started kinda late, but the time I dedicated, and with the brains I thought I had it should have been enough not for a great grade, not even a good grade, but a grade high enough to let me take the exam (that would've been 4 over 12)..
Ok.. off with the anecdotal, the point is I feel like a failure, I'm just worse than I thought in what I thought myself best, and in one of the things that matter to me the most to me... I know it's no tragedy, and I'm dealing with it (I've know about this for about a week now, and I've had this post in the inkwell since then).. It wasn't bad enough to make me cry, but I got me a tiny bit close..
I'm a failure to myself.. And you know what?? I'm actually kind of ashamed about this, I know I shouldn't be, but, I can't help it.. I find myself wondering what my smarter classmates/friends think of me, and when my brother's friend (who's also studying engineering) sent me a facebook message to offer me some of her material (she's part of the X-men -my group of friends, not the mutants :P-, so she's a pseudo-friend of mine), I found myslef again wondering the same thing (she's quite smart and does very good in college).. I also wonder if my brother still thinks I'm smarter than him.. I myself was never convinced of that, but he seemed pretty sure.. maybe he finally realized he's wrong
Also, for the first time ever I find myself comparing myself to my older brother.. he was never great with studies, he IS smart, (and from what I can tell from this, smarter than me), but he's also lazy.. I used to get better gardes than him, just because (even though I didn't study that much myself) I studied more than him, and I absolutelly didn't care, I didn't think myself better for that or anything.. But now, studying more than he does (obvioulsy still not enough..) I do not only get worse grades, but I fall behind.. He hasn't fallen behind at all... I know I shouldn't compare myself to him, and I shouldn't care if he's better (I wouldn't if I hadn't fallen behind) but I can't help it.. and it makes me feel worse..
When I told my father about feeling less smart than I used to think I was, he said "Well, that's ok.. some people don't have that much talent (in this case talent is brains), but they have willpower.. Think of your sister (my older sister) she's not EXTREMELY talented, she just works very hard" It's true, my sister has a LOT of willpower, she always tryed hard and succeeded that way, she was always the one who did best in school (from home, and from her class), and it was not only that she was smart (she IS smart) but it was that she complemented her natural talent whith hard work.. (She also has a LOT of talent, specially in what she's studying, but still, I think willpower is her best quality).. My brother has a LOT of talent (again, meaning brains) and extremely little willpower.. But what do I have? My father's right some people have talent, some people willpower, some people don't have either one.. I'm the last kind.. sure I have more willpower than my brother (it's still don't have much) and maybe I'm smarter than my sister (I'm not sure anymore, a week ago I would've said that I definiteky was), but I don't have enough of them to even make a good combination.. And it's not like there's something I'm better at than thinking.. So.. What DO I have??
Je n'ai rien..
I always thought myself a smart one, a remarkably smart guy.. I'm not saying I though I was a genius or anything like it, but I always thougth that I was just a tiny bit smarter than the avarage smart..
I'm not saying that all of the sudden I'm stupid or anything like that, but I realized that in that department I thougth too much of myself...
It sucks it sucks it sucks.. I've let myself down.. It feels like letting somone else down only worse, because you experience both sides of the shittiness, the being dissapointed by somone, and the feeling like a disapointment 'cause somone else had bigger expectations that they should have..
Long story short, I didn't do as well as I expected in college, and I know all you older-than.me people will just start saying, "but that's normal", "it's a big step from high school to college", save it, I've had my fair share of those so there's nothing to be gained by saying it.. You know, I can recognize that at first I didn't study as much as hard as I should've, but once I realized that, and that I was heading for grades that wouldn't give me the right to take the exam (which means that I have to re-take the class) I started studying harder, trying to make up for my bad first half semester, I recognize, that I started kinda late, but the time I dedicated, and with the brains I thought I had it should have been enough not for a great grade, not even a good grade, but a grade high enough to let me take the exam (that would've been 4 over 12)..
Ok.. off with the anecdotal, the point is I feel like a failure, I'm just worse than I thought in what I thought myself best, and in one of the things that matter to me the most to me... I know it's no tragedy, and I'm dealing with it (I've know about this for about a week now, and I've had this post in the inkwell since then).. It wasn't bad enough to make me cry, but I got me a tiny bit close..
I'm a failure to myself.. And you know what?? I'm actually kind of ashamed about this, I know I shouldn't be, but, I can't help it.. I find myself wondering what my smarter classmates/friends think of me, and when my brother's friend (who's also studying engineering) sent me a facebook message to offer me some of her material (she's part of the X-men -my group of friends, not the mutants :P-, so she's a pseudo-friend of mine), I found myslef again wondering the same thing (she's quite smart and does very good in college).. I also wonder if my brother still thinks I'm smarter than him.. I myself was never convinced of that, but he seemed pretty sure.. maybe he finally realized he's wrong
Also, for the first time ever I find myself comparing myself to my older brother.. he was never great with studies, he IS smart, (and from what I can tell from this, smarter than me), but he's also lazy.. I used to get better gardes than him, just because (even though I didn't study that much myself) I studied more than him, and I absolutelly didn't care, I didn't think myself better for that or anything.. But now, studying more than he does (obvioulsy still not enough..) I do not only get worse grades, but I fall behind.. He hasn't fallen behind at all... I know I shouldn't compare myself to him, and I shouldn't care if he's better (I wouldn't if I hadn't fallen behind) but I can't help it.. and it makes me feel worse..
When I told my father about feeling less smart than I used to think I was, he said "Well, that's ok.. some people don't have that much talent (in this case talent is brains), but they have willpower.. Think of your sister (my older sister) she's not EXTREMELY talented, she just works very hard" It's true, my sister has a LOT of willpower, she always tryed hard and succeeded that way, she was always the one who did best in school (from home, and from her class), and it was not only that she was smart (she IS smart) but it was that she complemented her natural talent whith hard work.. (She also has a LOT of talent, specially in what she's studying, but still, I think willpower is her best quality).. My brother has a LOT of talent (again, meaning brains) and extremely little willpower.. But what do I have? My father's right some people have talent, some people willpower, some people don't have either one.. I'm the last kind.. sure I have more willpower than my brother (it's still don't have much) and maybe I'm smarter than my sister (I'm not sure anymore, a week ago I would've said that I definiteky was), but I don't have enough of them to even make a good combination.. And it's not like there's something I'm better at than thinking.. So.. What DO I have??
Je n'ai rien..
pa, tengo la vista tan cansada que no pude terminar el post -el ingles me lleva un cacho mas de esfuerzo- pero... básicamente, eso de decepcionarse de uno mismo, de creer qe sos un poquito mas inteligente que la media... COMO TE ENTIENDO :(
ReplyDeletete entiendo es un post largo.. y ademas se me dio por el ingles hoy..
ReplyDeleteahora, con lo otro.. sep, es una cagada creerse mas de lo que uno en verdad es.. o sea, inevitablemente te vas a terminar dandi cuenta como son las cosas en verdad.. a menos que tengas mucha suerte, y vivas toda tu vida feliz en la ignorancia.. sin duda lo mejor seria saber ya de una como son las cosas, pero a carencia de eso..
Pa la verdad que es un post pesadito, muchas cosas te andan rondando la cabeza no? Te entiendo, toda mi vida fue esa historia, pero no se si fueron los 7 exámenes de matemáticas que di en toda mi vida, o los 4 de física y química que me hicieron darme cuenta de una cosa, hay una diferencia enorme entre "inteligencia" y ser bueno en algo, para mi la inteligencia va por otros lados, decisiones en la vida, pensar en uno, no solo en tablas y cálculos eso para mi es encasillar las capacidades de una persona a lo lógico matemático. La inteligencia la veo como el saber manejarse en la vida (es un concepto vago, pero lo veo más amplio que el saber aplicar ecuaciones), y el ser bueno es algo es tener la aptitud para desarrollar bien una tarea, yo como ves nunca la tuve ni para matemática ni física ni química, mi aptitud va por lo estético visual, y la parla (tengo una Sofía adentro con ganas de ser psicóloga). La fuerza de voluntad es algo fundamental en TODO lo que se quiera hacer en la vida, no se lo que estudia tu hermana, ni si tiene eso que a los intelectuales les gusta llamar "talento" pero si hay voluntad todo puede progresar.
ReplyDeleteTe recomiendo en serio, que no te frustres tanto con esto, es comprensible el sentimiento de querer dar más y no rendir lo que uno quiere, pero no por eso sos menos inteligente ni menos sabio que otras personas de tu curso, ya en algunas ocasiones te mostraste vacilante en esto de hacer ingeniería, tal vez sería bueno que te sentaras a pensar a fondo si eso te convence o si te llama más hacer arquitectura :S
Hablalo con tus padres (si son comprensivos y te escuchan) o sino con tu asesor , o en mejor e los casos un psicólogo (really they´re not sooo bad as people say, a mi me han ayudado a poner en claro varios puntos en mi vida, y te sirven como apoyo y desahogo de muchas cosas, no solo en lo del estudio).
Como siempre, espero ser de alguna ayuda, y si necesitas hablar, sabes que podes contar conmigo, pero por favor, no te tires abajo, yo también estoy y estuve en tu lugar.
Hugs Remy!
WOW O.o te juro pareceria que todo el mundo estuviera esperando qeu me de vuelta y decida que esto no es lo que quiero hacer..
ReplyDeletecon lo de inteligencia, estoy de acuerdo, la inteligencia no va solo por la capcidad para matematicas etc, pasa que creo que hay avrios tipos de inteligencia, y yo me estoy enfocando en el que SI tiene que ver con matematicas..Y en esa es en la que estoy peor de lo que siempre crei estar
Y tampoco es un tema de sentirme peor que mis compañeros, es sentirme peor que yo mismo.. peor de lo que siempre pense que YO era..
No tengo nada contra los psicologos.. de ahi a ir a uno no se..es solo porque no se si del todo llegue a sentir que lo necesite.. si creyera 100% que lo necesito, entonces sin duda iria..
y sip.. me imagine mientras escribia el post que vos y ibas a mas o menos verlo desde mi lado, y decirme que ya estuviste en mi lugar, xq ya te he visto escribir sobre eso.. tampoco creo que llegue al punto que llegaste vos (no ofense), creo que lo io es solo una depresion temporal.. de a poco ya se me va pasando, es solo llegar a acostumbarme que no tengo exactamente las capacidades que crei.. nada mas.. supongo que a medida que vaya sabiendo mas como soy, va a ser mas dificil desilusionarme o sentirme un fracaso..