7.30.2010

Some might say -oasis-

So what if I'm weird?? So what if I like to dress up as a super hero and go to conventions with other people who like to do so?
I mean who are people to judge?? specialy a masculine, bisexual, hermafrodit girl! (I'm not actually that homofobic (or whatever the hell that's called) but I'm just mad at that "girl", in fact she isn't really bisexual (that I know of) but she might as well be), don't get me wrong it's not all that bad that she pointed that out, at least I don't have to keep pretending I like her anymore.

I'm just tired of people making me feel like an idiot for who I am! I know I'm weird but what's wrong with that? in fact I think it's a good thing, being weird means being diferent, original, and there's nothing wrong with that!

It's not that I really care about what they think it's just tiresome that people keep pointing out how diferent I am as if it was something bad..

After all it's like my friend "B" says: "Who wants to be conventional anyway?"




(I'm not in the mood for thanking today..)

7.27.2010

Straigth from the heart -bryan adams-

Bonjour mes amis!!!


Lately I've beeen feeling kind of unsensitive. The truth is I always considered myself a very sensitive guy, I still believe that I'm so, but it bothers me that I feel incapable of taking that to the outside. It has also been bodering me the fact that I feel extremely akward showing my feelings to most people, even if it is something Ilike doing and I wish Icould do it as much as I would like, and without feeling uncomfortable.

You may be wondering where the hell all this comes from. The fact is that our school psicologyst organized a "sleep over" for our generation, the idea was to get to know who we really are, to be able to answer that question without just saying our names (I believe I've always been able to, but I wanted to know how my friends saw themselves and how they saw me, so I signed up anyway). So, in a part of the whole defining ourself prosess we had to tell our friends how WE saw THEM, and it was great because I did get to tell all my friends what I thougth of them. But somewhere along the way people started crying while they talked to their friends or heard what their friends told them.At one point everyone was crying except for me and 3 girls who r as deep as a puddle so it was no comfort at all of the fact that I felt extremely unsensitive ( I mean I know u don't need to cry to feel something but I actually felt that everyone was way more moved than me) I mean I did get a little bit close to crying once, after saying something very emotive to Maca, that shoul've actually made me cry very very very much .. And even if I got to tell one of my friends (Lupi) how much he means to me (which is a huge step for me because I only tell that to my 2 best friends on their birthday letter) and we even hugged, whenever I relive that moment I find kind of a little bit of shame but towards me, and I know that there's nothing shamefull about what I did, but I can't help feeling this way (don't get me wrong I do not regret it at all). Of course I really liked that "sleep over" it was a good expereience and it was very healthy, and I like even those moments that made me feel akward,(I even got to tell everyone what my wishes and fears were (which included turning into my dad as a fear, which is really big of me being able to admit that specially before a lot of people who don't even know how I feel about my dad)).


So, even if I am happy I got to open up in front of my friends I just can't help feeling bad about the akwardness that I feel about hugging my friend and telling him how much he means to me, and I can't help feeling bad about not crying, even if I DO understand that there's absolutely noreason for me to feel this way, and I just hate it!!

merci! for readig, once again....

7.17.2010

I just don't understand -the beatles-

Bonjour mes amis!


So... I have this friend(Mati) with whom I had a little figth about a month ago.. (I mentioned him on "Pilot") It isn't the first time this happens, it happened a few times before .. Every now and then in a random week he does something (in the middle of the week) that pisses me of (it's not the same thing always of course) and I get mad and on the weekend he sends apollogetical messages and i forgive him and it goes backas if nothing happened.

But this time it's diferent.. I made a little joke (the kind of jokes that we and my friends make to each other) and he really overeacted and got extremely mad and wrote some not-very-nice things about my sister in my philosophy notes [i mean it's one thing when they joke about it because let's face it it's normal between guys (i personally don't see the fun in it) but it's another when he does it seriously and out of anger].. this time he crossed the line... i got angyer than usual.. in part beacause of the fact that it's not the first time he's a jerk to me and the fact that he always sends those stupid messages like if it made it ok for him to be an idiot (which i pointed out in the middle of the figth).


After a month he send no stupid messages (it's probably because he is to proud and since i pointed it out he is not gonna let me be rigth) in fact after a 2 week vacation i came back to school decided to let everything go even tough he never apologysed because it makes no sense to argue over it... But when i try to make it obvious that i forgave him by talking to him when we are making a group job he either doesn-t reply directly to me or doesn-t reply at all.. i mean is HE now mad at ME?WTF?! and then he sends a message to my best friend about changing the time of our class project meeting and he says (and i quote) "..tell the OTHER ONE(meaning me)" he actually wrote other one in capital letters .. what the hell is that? i mean grow up! stop trying to make it obvious that u r mad! and i see no reason for him to be mad.. my best friend said that she was going to talk to him about it and then tell me what he said.. but untill then i dont get it...




T.Y. again if u read!and even more if u post! ;)

7.03.2010

Father & Son -cat stevens-

Bonjour mes amis! 


Truth to be told, i'm not what people call "normal" i've never been. I've never been into sports (even tought i did play soccer until i was 14), i've always hated what is consider popular (at times because of the fact that is pouplar) i've always been into anime, i always liked marvel and dc more than normal, even tough i never was what you can call a fan. 


Obiously beeng like this i eventually got used to some people thinking i'm weird or not understanding me and thats ok with me. But my father isn't as "peculiar" as i am, he played lots of sports back in school and high school, and he still likes watching soccer etc.. Of course that under these circumstances there is not much that we can have in common, in fact we differ in many other aspects.
This and the fact that my father worked late all his life ended up in us not having what can be called the best of relationships, don't get me wrong when i was a kid we did joke arround and sometimes i played soccer with him in fact we once traveled alone together to new york when i was 12 and we had a great time.


But the fact is that most of our relationship consisted of him trying to push me into sports, which was tiresome..
Things where JUST fine between us until a cuple of years ago when my whole family had our biggest discusion ever which was basicly concluded in the fact that the only thing that my father didn't see as perfect in his life was my and my sibilings, specially my brother and i,because we aren't keen of sports and we are geeks wich basically destoyed wathever relationship we had...Of course, he did apologize the day after,but even if i do forgive him, theres still (and there probably always wiil be) something stuck inside of me that won't let me get along as well as i could with him. Because i can deal with other people thinking that i'm weird (i don't even care about that) but to hear my own father say that was just too much...It came to a point where i actually liked it better when he was out working or playing tennis than when he was home with us.. 


Years later i was informed that he was thinking about moving out of the house, because he felt unhappy living with my mother, and because he actually thought that our relationship whith him copuld actually improve with him leaving somewhere else, i honestly belive that there's no reason for him not being able to be happy with my mother, and when we talked about the subject he couldn't really justify why he was leaving, and he kept changing the reasons from discusion to discusion.Of course this didn't but worsen our relationship..


A few months later my sister and I come to dicover that he had another woman, (which my mother already knew about).


 A few weeks after that i come to find out that he was moving back in (after leaving the other woman of course). I wasn't very happy about this, in fact i liked it better with him living somewhere else..and i did get along with him better, not for the reasons HE thougt, but because not seeing him for days med it easy for me to stand his company (which isn't an improvement in the relationship).
A few week after he came back he decided to talk with me and my brother and he told us that we were one of the main reasons that he camed back for, because he wanted to try fixing our relationship,among other things that i didn't quite agree with. 


But in the end it ended up making me feel much better about him and it actually did help our relationship (it's still not the best thing ever but it's ok..)..


So at this point i guess you could say that the relationship between my and my father is better than it's ever been (except for when i was a kid which doesn't really count), and as good as it's gona get.. :) 


Again, to those who readi it MERCI!(i realise it's too long but i can't help gettin carried away :P)specially if you post!:)