Neutral

There's one thing I've asked myself in different periods of my life (and obviously this is one of them), and that thing is: why the fuck do people like me??

At this time the question comes from the fact that I honestly don't see, what people get by hanging out with me, I mean, I don't think it can make much of a difference my being there or not. At sometimes my presence it's literally and unarguably indifferent.

For example, I just come from a friend's birthday, where I only knew her, and another friend, and the whole time I was there, I was silent, I homestly believe that if I hadn't been there, the whole night would've been unchanged. I only spoke when I was directly spoken to, the most I spoke in the whole night was for like fifteen minutes when the not-birthday friend was sitting next to me and we chatted for a while and that was it. And what I think is the weirdest and worst part was that I actually didn't have a bad time, I wasn't bored, and overall I wasn't uncomfortable (I mean, I was somewhat uncomfortable, but in a whole different level.. It's hard to explain).

Why I think this that was the worst part? You see, as I mentioned in my last post I've been seeing a psychologist for a few months now, and the main thing we're working on is my shyness. Since I've been going there I've seen a few changes in my overall atitude towards the world (slight changes), but when it comes to shyness itself, the biggest chance I see is this last part. So, my biggest advance in the area I want to change the most is becoming comfortable with it? Or in other words losing the motivation to change it..

And yeah, you might say "well, you w ere basically all alone in a room full of strangers" but it doesn't end there, some weeks ago, I went to the movies with these two friends, and yeah, overall I did do better than tonight, but I still was awfully quiet, in fact at some point one of them said "you're awfully quiet, then again, Remy IS quiet". Coincidentally, that remark was what took me out of my "I DON'T wanna change" phase in which I got into when it really hit me that I was setting myself to change a few weeks before that. You see, I like all my qualities, both virtues and defects, and even shyness which kinda bothers me, makes me come out as a quiet person , -which I'm actually not.. I think- and that actually seemed ok to me, but only because I had only though about this effect on stranger, it wasn't until I heard it from someone I actually cared about that I realized I didn't like it, not because I dislike the idea of being quiet, but because I dislike the idea of someone I care about seeing me as something I'm actually not.

So my point is, that it would've been exactly the same for them to get together without me. And I don't see why they would want to get together with me. And it makes me understand the fact that I'm always the one making an effort to get together with people, I mean, why would you make an effort to hang out with someone who is completely neutral?.

I mean, I wouldn't hang out with me, (I mean, I would, because I am me, and I would understand where my quietness is coming form, and I would feel sorry for me, but if I was somone else, I wouldn't) and I wouldn't like me if I were somone else, seeing me be so unexplicably quiet.

Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, I'm not like this with my family, well, not my direct family anyways, with my college friends I am, but waaaaaaay less than these cases (I still don't bring much to the table) with my high school friends I guess I have a small hint of this, but even though I'm not the life of the party I guess I'm looser, but I still think that at times I can be a little bit indifferent.

Now, there's a similar question I've started asking myself not too long ago, and it's: why the fuck would anyone wanna go out with me?

I'm always complaining about how I can't seem to find a girlfriend, but coming to think of it, why would anyone wanna be my girlfriend? I mean, even if I skip over the fact that I'm USUALLY irrelevant when I first meet someone, assuming I do well enough in that part (which was the case with Gwen), there would come a point when the other person should get bored and walk away. 'Cause even if I do get looser the more I get to know someone, I still take way too much time to be completely loose, and I'm never spontaneous. I guess what I'm getting at, is that I don't see myself doing all those goofy clasic relationship things you see in the movies, I had some examples in this area, but all I can remember right now, is that I'm never gonna be the guy with his girlfriend on his shoulders at a concert (to be fair, this particular example goes more on the side of my being petite, that on the side of my confidence, but it has a little bit of the later, and I swear, there were better examples)

I'm not saying that people should dislike me, I'm just saiyng they should be totally indifferent towards me. I mean, I'm actually no fun, yeah I'm I nice guy, and I can be funny at times, but when it comes to reality I'm not fun to be with.
And I don't saying I make a bad impression on people, I think I just make an indifferent one, (like in the case of tonight) which I guess probably ends up being a bad one, I mean, who likes the kid who sat quietly all night watching the others have fun?