I've Got Nothing

What do you do, when you find out that you're not exactly how you thought you were??  How would you feel, if you realized that "all your life" you''d been thinking that you were a bit better than you actually are?? If you realized that what you considered one of your best qualities, really wasn't one?? If you realized  that one of the things you always thought yourself best at, you're actually just regular at.. or worse..

I always thought myself a smart one, a remarkably smart guy.. I'm not saying I though I was a genius or anything like it, but I always thougth that I was just a tiny bit smarter than the avarage smart..

I'm not saying that all of the sudden I'm stupid or anything like that, but  I realized that in that department I thougth too much of myself...

It sucks it sucks it sucks.. I've let myself down.. It feels like letting somone else down only worse, because you experience both sides of the shittiness, the being dissapointed by somone, and the feeling like a disapointment 'cause somone else had bigger expectations that they should have..

Long story short, I didn't do as well as I expected in college, and I know all you older-than.me people will just start saying, "but that's normal", "it's a big step from high school to college", save it, I've had my fair share of those so there's nothing to be gained by saying it.. You know, I can recognize that at first I didn't study as much as hard as I should've, but once I realized that, and that I was heading for grades that wouldn't give me the right to take the exam (which means that I have to re-take the class) I started studying harder, trying to make up for my bad first half semester, I recognize, that I started kinda late, but the time I dedicated, and with the brains I thought I had it should have been enough not for a great grade, not even a good grade, but a grade high enough to let me take the exam (that would've been 4 over 12)..

Ok.. off with the anecdotal, the point is I feel like a failure, I'm just worse than I thought in what I thought myself best, and in one of the things that matter to me the most to me... I know it's no tragedy, and I'm dealing with it (I've know about this for about a week now, and I've had this post in the inkwell since then).. It wasn't bad enough to make me cry, but I got me a tiny bit close..

I'm a failure to myself.. And you know what?? I'm actually kind of ashamed about this, I know I shouldn't be, but, I can't help it.. I find myself wondering what my smarter classmates/friends think of me, and when my brother's friend (who's also studying engineering) sent me a facebook message to offer me some of her material (she's part of the X-men -my group of friends, not the mutants :P-, so she's a pseudo-friend of mine), I found myslef again wondering the same thing (she's quite smart and does very good in college).. I also wonder if my brother still thinks I'm smarter than him.. I myself was never convinced of that, but he seemed pretty sure.. maybe he finally realized he's wrong

Also, for the first time ever I find myself comparing myself to my older brother.. he was never great with studies, he IS smart, (and from what I can tell from this, smarter than me), but he's also lazy.. I used to get better gardes than him, just because (even though I didn't study that much myself) I studied more than him, and I absolutelly didn't care, I didn't think myself better for that or anything.. But now, studying more than he does (obvioulsy still not enough..) I do not only get worse grades, but I fall behind.. He hasn't fallen behind at all... I know I shouldn't compare myself to him, and I shouldn't care if he's better (I wouldn't if I hadn't fallen behind) but I can't help it.. and it makes me feel worse..

When I told my father about feeling less smart than I used to think I was, he said "Well, that's ok.. some people don't have that much talent (in this case talent is brains), but they have willpower.. Think of your sister (my older sister) she's not EXTREMELY talented, she just works very hard" It's true, my sister has a LOT of willpower, she always tryed hard and succeeded that way, she was always the one who did best in school (from home, and from her class), and it was not only that she was smart (she IS smart) but it was that she complemented her natural talent whith hard work.. (She also has a LOT of talent, specially in what she's studying, but still, I think willpower is her best quality).. My brother has a LOT of talent (again, meaning brains) and extremely little willpower..  But what do I have? My father's right some people have talent, some people willpower, some people don't have either one.. I'm the last kind.. sure I have more willpower than my brother (it's still don't have much) and maybe I'm smarter than my sister (I'm not sure anymore, a week ago I would've said that I definiteky was), but I don't have enough of them to even make a good combination.. And it's not like there's something I'm better at than thinking.. So.. What DO I have??


Je n'ai rien..

Freaky me..

Let me star by saying, that when I say freak, I speak of a specific type of freak.. I mean the comic book freak (actually graphic novels, but whatever), the anime freak, the super hero freak, the comic conventions freak.. That type of freak..

You know, it's bad enough to have some jerks telling you that is wrong to be the way you are (luckyly, I don't anymore, and I hardly had any through my life) but when your own family says that...

I mentioned before, and it's something that I think I'll never get COMPLETELY over (but I am pretty near that), that about 3 years ago my own father told me and my sibilings (particularly my brother and I, and specially my brother) that he didn't like the way we were.. Sure, he knew we were good peopl, and wehad nice principles etc etc, and he did vaalue that, but the fact of us being freaky (I wasn't actually all that freaky back then, (not that I am all that freaky now) but I was something like that) and not liking sports was stronger than that.. Sure he apologyzed the day after, and he "came to terms" whith the way we are, but I know he'd still rather us being sportive and all that.. In a way we both moved past that, and in a way we are both still stucked whith it.. It reflects on they way we both feel whenever he throws a coment like "hey wanna go to the stadium tomorrow?" (or things like that) when he knows we don't want to.. And we immediately redirect that comment to the night when he sayed all thos bad things..

Well.. as I said my father isn't all that big an issue now, and my other never was.. but our sisters kinda are.. I mean they both judge our friends and stuff (I gotta say though, that my older sister V, isn't all that bad.. I think she kinda accepts the way we are.. sure she judges our friends and dislikes freakism, but when it comes to us she's kinda cool about it.. for example she helped us make our costumes for a convention once, 'cause she studying fashion, and she knows a lot more than us about making clothes), but my little sister R, she just hates freakism, and believes everyone should be "normal" like she and her friends are.. and we are not the exception in her book..

We once got into an argument whith her because we heard her and her worst bunch of friends talking about other people at school, and they were extrevelly mean, judging a freaky girl, and two brazilian girls for having brazilian accent, complaining that apparently they were just trying to stand out (like if that made any sense, and like if it was a bed thing).. Another time we got into a fight because she and V, dislike our new friends (the X-men) and think they are too freaky..(some of them are just as freaky as we are, so I don't really understand them)..

Today (actually yesterday now)R, N and I were in the kitchen, making lunch to eat whith our parents who were comming back home from being the weekend away, when V's boyfriend came in accomplanyed by two of V and R's friends (mostly V's).. These ones are nice people, and I have nothing against them, so we small talked while they were here (they came to get something and go back to a hockey game where V was playing), they saw an easter egg which "shocked" them a tiny bit, cause it isn't easter yet, so my brother explained that he knows they only sell them two weeks a year, so he buys them any chance he gets during the two weeks, cause he doesn't eat them only at easter..
When these people left, R started arguing 'cause he embarrased her infront of her friends whith weird talk and stuff (she also complains that we use "weird" words  (which actually are cultured people-words) and says we should talk the "way teens should") so this led on to a  whole argument that ended up on how we were freaks and how that was wrong.. And how we should be normal, like she and her friends are! She says that is wrong for us to like comic books and super heroes 'cause it's not ok for people our age.. Sure it's ok for her and her friends to watch disney movies that were actually ment for ten year olds 'cause that's "normal".. (I don't mean the classic animated pictures, I like those, they were big part of my childhood, and I don't think it's wrong at all to watch those no matter your age.. I mean those stupid musicals they do now at days.. like hsm and stuff).. I asked her to take a moment and think how hurtfull were these things she was saying, you know, saying that the way we are is wrong, to us, her own brothers.. But of course, she stook to what she was saying..But why should I be surprised? We're talking about a girl that used to yell hurtfull stuff to us (this includes V) over the smallest disagreement.. I mean, sure, who hasn't lost it and yelled something mean to a sibiling? god knows I have, but she yelled these things even before loosing it, perfectly consious of what she was saying, and actually trying to hurt us (we knew she was trying to hurt us, so we didn't pay much attention to what she said, but it always hurt a little (at least to me) that she even tryed to hurt us).. Of course we did called her hollow ('cause she actually is, and I'm usually fine whith it, but the moment she started critisizing my way of beying, I just didn't care anymore).. She denyed being so (at least we admit our freakism) and asked me for examples, which I gave, but she didn't think they were valid 'cause of course EVERYONE does that, or at least everyone who's "normal" (which isn't actually true)..

Eventually (once the fight was over) dad and mom came back, and the fight topic eventually came up.. So my father tryed to analize the situation and see what the situation was.. So he was in the kitchen whith R and N, and he asked N "but couldn't it be that you like to play freak?".. sure, in an other situation this question would've been just fine, but right then, it meant that he had taken sides.. maybe out of contest it's not that obvious, but trust me, it meant that (a while later my mother said this exact same thing to me, so trust me, he took sides.. and he took HER side.. no surprizecoming from him).. So this led to a fight between him and N, where N insulted him (he was actually out of line).. And while they were fighting I was whith my mother and R, talking things through, and my mother did the right thing and actually said she was wrong (which my father didn't) and told her there was no reason for her to be ashamed by us, and that the words we used weren't weird, and (in a nice way) told her she actually was kinda hollow, and just as we shouldn't judge her, she shouldn't judge us.. Of course this did not change her mind but still, it's nuce to see somone sees things the way they are... After this, my sister spent the whole day in a bad mood, and took the defensive on EVERYTHING...

So basically, both my sister and my dad are jerks, and my father, really hasn't changed much in the inside (as I always thought, gotta give him a LITTLE credit for trying to hide it just not to hurt us, though..)
This gets me thinking.. and I remember those times when my brother says he actually hates R, and we all tell him that he's too harsh on her, and that he can't hate her, she's his sister, and he overreacts to her hallownes.. And I think of days like today, and think "how can I blame him?" ok, I'm just overreacting and being dramatic.. sure she's still my sister, and I DO still love her.. but at times like this I actually think she doesn't deserve it.. and I think how am I supoused to act from now on? she never apologyzed, and she still feels all those things, so I should be still mad at her.. but she won't say she's sorry, and she won't change her mind. at least not in the near future, so I can't stay mad to my sister forever...
I just hate how she acts like she hates discrimination and racism, but then she does this, I mean, this is discriminating too.. it actually is

C'est ma famille!!

The Beginning Of The End

I'm very tired, and I want to go to sleep, but I just feel like this post can't wait.. If I let it wait, I'm gonna loose the excitement I have right now, and I probably will forget a lot of things I'm thinking about now (heck, I'll probably forget some while I'm writing)


So, today I went whith Sofi (my best friend) and her cousins to see HP7 part 1.. Putting aside how much I liked being whith her and her family, and getting to socialize whith them more than I had before (because I always wanted us to be the kind of freinds who are so close that we even get along whith the other's family who have a relationship whith the other's family and are "well" known by the other's family, and this was a 1st (maybe 2nd) step to achieve that),  I have to say, it's just great! I think I can safely say, that is the best movie so far.. I just loved it.. The scenery was great, just as I pictured it, and the whole movie kinda gave me the same feeling as the book (it's hard to explain it but I'm kind of trying to say that it felt pretty similar to the book).. Very few things were left behind, and most of them were just details (there were some things that were a LITTLE important and weren't in the movie, but they still have time to appear in the 2nd movie, and even if they son't it makes no difference)


Unfortunately when I got home, my older sister "V" and my brother "N" were sleeping so I sisn't get to share my experience whith them yet and I was looking forward to doing so (HP is a thing that we three share, along whith my mother, but she's away and she hasn't read the 7th book yet..)




almost SPOILERS
a few of the things that are missing (that as I said are not very important) were an argument between lupin and Harry about how Lupin shouldn't be participating cause of his upcoming baby (alse they didn't talk about the baby yet, but it's pretty obvious that they'll mention him in the next movie)
Also ted's father doesn't appear on this 1st part (and he should have, but then again he'll probably appear in the 2nd part)
this one is not an error but merely a curiosity.. my friend pointed out that the invisibility cloak didn't appear at all (and in the book they use it a lot) my guess is that they'r trying to put the attention of those who hadn't read the book out of the cloak, so it isn't so obvious that harry's cloak is the death's cloak.. b8ut that's just my guess


SPOILERS (if you haven't read the book or you don't remember the deaths)
I must addmit that I almost cryed when Hedwig (I still believe that that death was totally unnecesary) 
And I got even closser to crying whith dobby's death, I did spill one or two tears for him (I kinda wished I cryed more, I don't know why).. (madeye's death didn't afect me very much.. what can I say? I'm not that fond of him, sorry madeye!)


well, I really don't know how to conclude this post... I'll just say that it was agreat movie and I had a very good time

Merci (sorry I don't know why, but I wass unable to find a smaller image)




P.S: THE BIRD BITES (this time th P.S was just to say that XD)

The Bird

This is just a short episode from a few minutes ago...

I was talking to my mother, settling things about my upcoming trip to europe, when my sister called me, asking me for help taking a dead bird out of our backyar, before our dogs decided (who aparently found it interesting enough to keep smelling it, looking at it etc) to eat him. Before I could answer my brother (who has more stomach for these things) volunteered to do it himself.

After a while I see my brother going out whith my dad's gun, so I asked my sister what was he doing, and she said he was going to kill it, so the bird obviously wasn't dead yet, when I asked why he was killing it, she told me he was agonizing, he couldn't even stand up much less fly.

Before he killed it I steped outside, and saw the bird for myself, it was a very sad thing to see, he was lying down and had a lot of trouble breathing. After seeing the bird I quickly steped inside, ran upstairs to avoid hearing the shot.

When I went back downstairs, where my brother asked me to get rid of the bird (he obviously wasn't feeling very well about what just hapened), I really didn't want to do it (I did get a dead bird of our yard once, but not a shot one, which I was guessing wasn't very pretty). My sister and I steped outside where my brother was whith the bird, and he told us we probably shouldn't get very close (he probably thougth it was too ugly for my sister to see).

While we were outside he told us that the first shot (he aimed for the head to make it faster, and less painfull for the bird) he missed,and the bird tured over, then the 2nd shot he gpot it right, but the bird didn't die, the shot got into the bird's eye, and he said that whith it's other eye it looked at him, so he shot again and it still didn't die, that bird's head was totally deformed but the bird still shaked and moved it's legs like crazy, so he shot a 4th tim, and it finally died. But I'm guessing the hole thing must have been a bit "traumatizing".


After that tale, I definitly didn't want to get rid of him, I didn't want to see how the bird ended up, but I still did..

I got the broom and the shovel, and I walked to the bird, On the way there, I decidedto not look at it directly, maybe look at it's feet or something to have an idea of where he was, then I decided that it would be too hard that way, so I decided to force my viewing into geting blurry, so I did, and I standed in front of the bird, ready to get him into the shovel and... I looked.

It wasn't pretty and it felt worse than I thought it would, but it was already done, and the time came to turn him over into the shovel, and while I was doing it I closed my eyes cause it seemed like the worst side was the one that was about to show, but I had to open my eyes to get him into the bag, and it turned out that it wasn't that much worse than the other side.

After this and the other time I had to get rid of the bird, I concluded that a dead animal is the heaviest thing you can fit into a bag, it's not actually heavy, but it feels that way when you first let him fall into the bag, when it hits the bottom, it felt really bad,and it made me feel a bit sad too. And I'm thinking, if this is how it felt for me (which isn't all that bad, but it is a bit) I dont even want to know what my brother felt, not to mention the bird....

Merci, once again

P.S: - the bird bites- I'd like to invite anyone who reads this post to see the post a fellow blogger wrote inspired on my post (she left the link below in the comments, but I just wanted to make sure no one missed it)

Don't look back in anger -oasis-

Bonjour mes amis!! I realise that the post is waaaay too long, and that's why I devided it in as many moments as I could, so you don't have to read it all at once...

In all my life I've never been to a surprise party, and this weekend I got to participate in two fo them.. And it's not fair that I don't get to write about something so simple, happy and unimportant as that, because I'm mad, and I "need" to write about that!! (why can't I have just one silly shallow post?). The one I had yestarday was for a very close friend, whose 18th birthday was a month ago but since she didn't celebrate we decided to throw her a party/meeting (and 18th birthday it's very important)

1st moment:

Unfotunatly my sister happens to be her friend too, ever since they threw a party for the jonasbrothers-fans in my school (and of course since they both like that stupid band-wannabe thay became friends there) I don't really mind that they're friends I just don't like going to partys with her because she's a pain in the ass. At first she didn't even wanted to go just because she didn't wanna be with me. And I pointed out that that was really unfair to our friend (although I would have been happier if she stayed home). In the end my mother convinced/forced her to go so she did.

In the party she kept bothering me by giving me the camera and asking me to take pictures, and then taking it away and then bringing it back, and while I had it she kept constantly asking if i was taking pictures (I took a few but I wasn't about to spend the whole party as a photografer) And by the end of the party when only a few people was left she started bothering me with wanting to leave, and if it had been up to me i would have stayed a little longer, but she talked to my mother who started texting ME about how WE(?) weren't leting her sleep and that we should try to find an hour to leave that was good for both of us (1st of all it's not like if I knew at what hour I would want to leave and 2nd there is NO negotiating when it comes to my sister, and she knows that). So i just let her win, and I started calling cabs, but I wasn't able to get any, so I told her to try herself, Somehow she got one rigth away by calling the same companies I called, so she came to me and said "was that so hard to do?" I just held all the multiple things I wanted to yell at her. It was HER the one who wanted to leave and I tryed getting one for a long time, and she didn't even thank me..

2nd moment

When we got home I just had a glass of water and headed straigth to my room without saying a word to her. (Ididn't mention before that my little cussin was sleeping over at our house and had to sleep with my brother where there is no other bed or matress than his).So when I get to my room my matress was gone and my room was a mess. My brother happened to be awake and he told me that they sent me a text message (that I didn't recieve) telling me about that, TELLING ME, not asking for my permision but telling me, and he didn't ever made sure that I got the massage (I mean there must have been a reason for me not to reply!). So I asked him wht was I supoused to do, and it turns out that the idea was for me to sleep in my sister's room with her (yeah right!). Unfortunatly my cousin was sleeping so I didn't get the chance to get into the whole thing. "I decided" (I didn't actually have much other choice) to sleep in my bunker bed , wich is not bad, but I have the right to sleep in my bed when I want to. So I tried to fall asleep and decided to talk about it in the morning.

3rd moment

I woke up and had my breakfst without talking to anybody. When my brother woke up we started arguing about how he has no right to touch my stuff without my permission and about how he could have sent my coussin to my sister's bunker bed and have her sleep there, or how he could have taken the matress from the bunker bed, and how he should have asked for my permission before geting into my room, making a mess in there and stealing my matress! And I pointed out that it was a total lack of respect for me and my room! But aperently he had the rigth to do whatever he wanted because he had to take care of my cousin in my dog and my sister's dog (the dogs sleep inside with us so he had to sleep with them), I don't get what he's complaining about! I'm the one who always takes care of her, even if my brother and sisters are home too. And not only does he never take care of her but he complains because he has to take care of her when noone else is in the house! And then our fathers join the discussion and the topic of me and my sister last night comes up, and I start yelling about how they have no respect for my stuff! How my brother does whatever he wants in my room, hoe my sister doesn't understend that this are MY friends and I should be able to leave the party whenever I want and I she should deal with it... And my father starts telling everybody that there's no point on talking to me at the moment because I was being unreasonable.. I mean yes I was yelling but I was being totally reasonable!

4th moment

So a little while later I just go away and my father starts following me arguing with me and I eventually start yelling again and he wants me to shut up, I have the rigth to be mad!! and I have the rigth to let it out!! in fact I SHOULD let it out! But all he cares about is the fact that my sister (not the one from the party) was in the next room with her boyfriend, and it was embarassing... But I kept yelling so my father got out of controll and started chasing me arround the kitchen and my sister came in to complain about the noise. Finally my father caugth up to me and I saw that he was totally out of control trying to restrain himself not to hit me and my sister comes to me and holds me trying to defend me until he finally lets go of me. And I start crying and tell him that it's not fair that he doesn't let me talk and be mad... So I leave once again, this time to my room, but once again he follows, and he tryes to talk to me and I keep telling him to leave and my mother tells him the same thing and this went on for about 10-15 minutes untill he finally left.. 
And after a while of weeping in my room I decided to go to the backyard with the dogs. And after a while of peace he comes again and tries to talk to me but I keep insisting that I do not want to talk to him but he keeps trying and for some reason I get closer to the door but I do not leave, but Ikeep telling him not ton bother me and I raise my voice, so he tells me not to yell because it's an embaresment in front of the neighboors and I tell him that that should be the least important thing to him rigth now, but he tells me that to him it's the most important, so I decided not to listen to his shit anymore and leave..

Conclussion

It just makes me so mad!! is it too much to ask for a little respect for my room? is it too much to ask to go to my friend's birthay without anyone bothering me? Don't I have the rigth to be angry? And don't I deserve to let that anger out?

How do I end up being the bad guy here? I don't understand why my mother complained to me when it was my sister who woke her. I don't get why doesn't my brother agree that it was wrong for him to mess up my room without even asking, and I don't get why my mother defends him! And I don't undestand why my father won't let me be angry!and why does he care more about what the neighboors think (specially since they are just a bunch of idiots) than the fact that I'm mad and that I have the rigth to be, and that it's not good to keep the anger inside of me! So in the end I'm mad at my whole family (except my biger sister who is always the first to step up whenever my father looses it) and they probably think I'm the one who should apologize... (Well, maybe I should apologize for messing up my brother's room just out of anger, but that's it! but since he didn't apologize for what he did I won't apologize either!specially since my mother had me fix that...)

Merci for reading!! No, really if you took time out of your life to read this hole thing, then I'm really thankfull!

PS: -the bird bites-(yes I'm gonna write that in every PS) I didn't choose the title of this post becasue it related to the post, but because in moment 4 when I was in my room and on the backyar this song just kept playing in my head(I don't know why). But I guess it kind of relates just a bit to the post (specially in the anger part)