FUCK!!

Once again I'm a complete and utter failure...
The one exam I had to taker, the only one, and I go and fail??
I know I know, it's college, it's different, it's harder, failing exams is normal.. But it's not ok when you have only ONE exam to take, and when it's your strongest subject.. And it certainly doesn't feel good when you thought there was hardly a chance o fail.. I mean, when I was studying I was extremely confident, and after taking the exam I was even more confident, other than that one question I didn't answer I thought I had done great, I actually thought I may have done a lot batter than barely saving.. turns out I barely saved.. It was very very close, but it wasn't enough... So there's the disapointment of realising I'm even worse than the bad I was just realizing I was, the disapointment of thinking I was doing good in at least ONE subject, the having tyo face the fact, that the feeling that used to mean I was very good at something, now it only means that I'm not extremely bad, and last and most certainly least, the disapointment of realizing that the one good thing that I had gotten out of failing the other two subjects, (which was an entire month of vacations) doesn't exist anymore, since my vacations have now been interrupted by my failure, and now I have to take the fucking exam again next week (I'm also very angry at the university for the fact that it took them 2 weeks to give us the fucking grades, and they tell us only a week before the next exam, isn't that just great??.. I guess re-starting my driving lessons is going to have to wait... I don't really care about that.. )

I've Got Nothing

What do you do, when you find out that you're not exactly how you thought you were??  How would you feel, if you realized that "all your life" you''d been thinking that you were a bit better than you actually are?? If you realized that what you considered one of your best qualities, really wasn't one?? If you realized  that one of the things you always thought yourself best at, you're actually just regular at.. or worse..

I always thought myself a smart one, a remarkably smart guy.. I'm not saying I though I was a genius or anything like it, but I always thougth that I was just a tiny bit smarter than the avarage smart..

I'm not saying that all of the sudden I'm stupid or anything like that, but  I realized that in that department I thougth too much of myself...

It sucks it sucks it sucks.. I've let myself down.. It feels like letting somone else down only worse, because you experience both sides of the shittiness, the being dissapointed by somone, and the feeling like a disapointment 'cause somone else had bigger expectations that they should have..

Long story short, I didn't do as well as I expected in college, and I know all you older-than.me people will just start saying, "but that's normal", "it's a big step from high school to college", save it, I've had my fair share of those so there's nothing to be gained by saying it.. You know, I can recognize that at first I didn't study as much as hard as I should've, but once I realized that, and that I was heading for grades that wouldn't give me the right to take the exam (which means that I have to re-take the class) I started studying harder, trying to make up for my bad first half semester, I recognize, that I started kinda late, but the time I dedicated, and with the brains I thought I had it should have been enough not for a great grade, not even a good grade, but a grade high enough to let me take the exam (that would've been 4 over 12)..

Ok.. off with the anecdotal, the point is I feel like a failure, I'm just worse than I thought in what I thought myself best, and in one of the things that matter to me the most to me... I know it's no tragedy, and I'm dealing with it (I've know about this for about a week now, and I've had this post in the inkwell since then).. It wasn't bad enough to make me cry, but I got me a tiny bit close..

I'm a failure to myself.. And you know what?? I'm actually kind of ashamed about this, I know I shouldn't be, but, I can't help it.. I find myself wondering what my smarter classmates/friends think of me, and when my brother's friend (who's also studying engineering) sent me a facebook message to offer me some of her material (she's part of the X-men -my group of friends, not the mutants :P-, so she's a pseudo-friend of mine), I found myslef again wondering the same thing (she's quite smart and does very good in college).. I also wonder if my brother still thinks I'm smarter than him.. I myself was never convinced of that, but he seemed pretty sure.. maybe he finally realized he's wrong

Also, for the first time ever I find myself comparing myself to my older brother.. he was never great with studies, he IS smart, (and from what I can tell from this, smarter than me), but he's also lazy.. I used to get better gardes than him, just because (even though I didn't study that much myself) I studied more than him, and I absolutelly didn't care, I didn't think myself better for that or anything.. But now, studying more than he does (obvioulsy still not enough..) I do not only get worse grades, but I fall behind.. He hasn't fallen behind at all... I know I shouldn't compare myself to him, and I shouldn't care if he's better (I wouldn't if I hadn't fallen behind) but I can't help it.. and it makes me feel worse..

When I told my father about feeling less smart than I used to think I was, he said "Well, that's ok.. some people don't have that much talent (in this case talent is brains), but they have willpower.. Think of your sister (my older sister) she's not EXTREMELY talented, she just works very hard" It's true, my sister has a LOT of willpower, she always tryed hard and succeeded that way, she was always the one who did best in school (from home, and from her class), and it was not only that she was smart (she IS smart) but it was that she complemented her natural talent whith hard work.. (She also has a LOT of talent, specially in what she's studying, but still, I think willpower is her best quality).. My brother has a LOT of talent (again, meaning brains) and extremely little willpower..  But what do I have? My father's right some people have talent, some people willpower, some people don't have either one.. I'm the last kind.. sure I have more willpower than my brother (it's still don't have much) and maybe I'm smarter than my sister (I'm not sure anymore, a week ago I would've said that I definiteky was), but I don't have enough of them to even make a good combination.. And it's not like there's something I'm better at than thinking.. So.. What DO I have??


Je n'ai rien..

Exam (1)

Well yesterday was my math exam.. When they told me I had to take an exam I was kind of disapointed.. See, I needed an 8 out of 12 in the last midterm (to get an 8 in the whole year, and pass the year).. I got a 6, so I had to take an exam...


My mother hired a math teacher, which I didn't want at all (but she never asked me ¬¬), so I had to put up whith 24 hours of private teacher, which I addmit, was helpfull (studying by myself it would have probably taken twice as much time to study the exact same thing).. You'd think that the private teacher would have payed off (I thought it did).. Even though I DID pase the test I pased it whith a 5 over 12, which was the lowerest grade I could get and still pass... I actually thought I could do better than that  on my own.. And I thought I could do even better whith a private teacher.. And when I finished the exam I though I had done great (I actually had to convince myself that I would get something near a 6 to not get my hopes up)..


I was truly disapointed, an a bit angry, cause this exam was much easier that the mid-term (I don't know how I did worse I truly don't), and getting a 5 on this test was wnough to pass the year, but getting a six on the mid term  which was harder wasn't?, how is gettin a 5 in a stupid exam good enough, but gettin a 7 on the whole year isn't?? I don't undestand the system...


And I know, I should be happy that I passed the exam, and I am, but I can't help but feel disapointed.. I used to be good at math, but ever since last year, I'm just mediocre.. And I though this test was my chance of proving I'm still smart.. but I failed..


Well, When I got home I tryed to avoid thinking of it, I decided to relax, so I went outside (alone), layed down in the sun, and listen to mi iPod (at maximum volume).. Once I decided it was too hot I jumped in the pool, and when I got out I layed on a hammock in the sun whith my music and I tried to sleep, then I tryied in the shadow, even though I was very tired, I wasn't able to sleep (no surprise, I was never able to nap during the day), so I want back inside (I though I spent a lot of time outside.. turns out, it wasn't much more than an hour and a half.. which was enough for me).When I got inside, I want back to my routine, which means: sitting in the livingroom whith my laptop watching tv :P




Merci!!